The KLP Show is now Live!
“I live in my own little world. But it’s ok, they know me here.” – Lauren Myracle
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
What are shark's two most favorite words? Man overboard!
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” – George Carlin
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking! I'm changing!
Teacher: Name me three African animals.
Student: One lion and two giraffes.
Of course, I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.
How do you keep someone in suspense?
“I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like! It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.” – Kevin Hart
Bus driver to passenger: Don’t you want to sit down?
Passenger: No, I'm in a hurry.
Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: you get what you deserve.
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ”You should’ve been here at 8.30!” He replies, ”Why? What happened at 8.30?”
What's a balloon's least favorite type of music?
Pop.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity.
Don't be silly, opportunity doesn't knock twice!
What do you call a dancing lamb? A baaaaaa-llerina!
That awkward moment when your entire Math class is discussing whether the result is 15 or 16 and your answer is -1053.
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres